Rebecca D. Bruner, Author

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32)

Forgiveness. Every child of God knows it’s essential. We all know that, in Christ, we are the recipients of God’s complete forgiveness. We know that He wants us to forgive others, just as He has forgiven us.

So what makes this so tough, especially in marriage?  Many of us never had it modeled. We did not grow up in homes where people asked for and offered forgiveness. The words, “I was wrong. Please forgive me,” never passed anyone’s lips.

But there is more to it than that. To ask for forgiveness requires humility. You must stop making excuses for your own behavior, admit that it was wrong, and ask the other person to pardon you.

And why is it difficult to offer forgiveness when you are the one who has been wronged? Too often, we have this erroneous notion that forgiving someone is the same as saying, “It’s okay,” and we don’t want to excuse our spouse for having wounded us.

But forgiving is not the same as saying “It’s okay.” When you say “I forgive you,” you are not pretending that you were unaffected by your spouse’s behavior. Instead, forgiveness says, “What you did was wrong, and it hurt me, but I’m not going to be the one to make you pay.”

If we fail to forgive, then offenses continue to accumulate. Bitterness grows in the soul like a weed, sending down a thick, strong taproot. Soon, you and your spouse are no longer arguing about what just happened; you are arguing about every unresolved conflict of the last six weeks, or months, or years.

I’m learning that when I have been wronged or my own feelings have been hurt, I need to talk through it with my husband. Through gentle and honest confrontation, I give him the opportunity to repent and seek my forgiveness. Pretending not to be bothered by something that really did wound me is living a lie, and all deception, especially self-deception, works in the enemy’s favor.

When I have been faithful to do this, I’ve often found that until I brought the issue to my husband’s attention, he had no idea he had hurt my feelings. Once I’ve let him know, he’s been quick to ask for my forgiveness.

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Sometimes forgiveness must be unilateral. God asks us to release all the hurts and wrongs we have suffered to Him, even when the other person remains unrepentant. However, that fact does not justify habitually ignoring conflict, because unresolved conflict does not just go away.  It’s far better to openly address negative feelings than to let them fester and poison your marriage.

Stay tuned for one more practical habit that can empower you to effectively fight back-to-back with your spouse. Adapted from my upcoming book A Wife of Valor: Your Strategic Importance in God’s Battle Plan.

Today, we are going to look at two closely related ways of battling back-to-back: offering encouragement and recalling the truth.

When our circumstances become overwhelming, the enemy attempts to blind us to the truth. Discouragement takes hold. Soon we forget everything God has promised us. We forget who we really are. We even stop believing that God is good.

Whenever difficult circumstances threaten to demoralize our spouses, we can encourage them to hold fast to the hope they have in God.When I sense discouragement in my husband, I can try to remind him of who he is in Christ and the glorious inheritance that awaits him.

This principle goes hand in hand with the discipline of recalling the truth. Once a person agrees with the enemy’s propaganda in an area, he or she can no longer recognize it as a lie. Such “agreements” can become the foundation for enemy strongholds in that person’s life. We all need trusted allies who will come alongside us and gently point out how we are being deceived, reminding us of the truth so we can break such agreements and tear down their resulting strongholds.

Sometimes, being reminded of the truth can prevent us from pursuing a sinful or selfish plan of action, as was the case with Abigail and David in 1 Samuel 25:2-42.

Abigail’s husband, Nabal, had refused to welcome David’s men to the feast when Nabal was shearing his sheep. For months, they had provided him with a valuable service by guarding his flocks in the wilderness, but instead of rewarding them, Nabal jeered at David. He called him just another servant who had rebelled against his master.

David’s men went away angry and insulted, and their leader swore to wipe out every male in Nabal’s household. When her servants reported to Abigail how David’s people had been wronged by her husband, she hurried to prepare a large gift of food and rode quickly out to intercept the enraged warrior.

Abigail reminded David of who he really was: the Lord’s anointed, who would soon become the king. When she reminded David of this truth, he was able to recognize that fulfilling his plan to take vengeance on Nabal and his household did not fit with God’s destiny for him. Abigail told David to let God be his avenger, and this encouraged him to do the right thing instead of allowing wrath to govern his actions.

David blessed Abigail for stopping him from taking vengeance by his own hand. He blessed the Lord for sending her to remind him of the truth, when he had lost sight of it.

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So many times in life, I think we desperately need someone to expose the lies of the enemy and remind us of the truth. If we can learn to do this for one another within our marriages in a spirit of humility and unconditional love, rather than judgment, our ability to recognize and resist the schemes of the enemy will increase exponentially. We will truly become stronger together than we could ever be alone.

Stay tuned this week for two more practical habits that can empower you to effectively fight back-to-back with your spouse. Adapted from my upcoming book A Wife of Valor: Your Strategic Importance in God’s Battle Plan.